This isn't helping her get out of my head.

She was the girl next door or, in this case, across the street. A cute little redhead a couple grades behind me in school. Originally she was too young for me. At least she seemed to be when I first met her. I was passing through puberty and she merely a slightly annoying little girl who would smile and wave at me. I was polite to her and would return the wave as I left my house to ride my bike to school in the morning. When I was out mowing the yard she would come over and follow me around the yard to yap about things and still I was polite and friendly. Occasionally she would come and knock on my door to ask if I would come out and talk to her. Despite our age difference, we became friends. It came to a point where I would walk across the street and we would sit in her front yard under the tree and talk in the shade. This went on for some time.

Her mother liked me would give us drinks during our conversations. I was always good with moms. I never met one that didn't like me almost immediately (there's one exception but that's a different post). I had some sort of wholesome charm that appealed to them. For some reason, I didn't seem threatening to mothers. Dads knew better but hers was a Navy man and was rarely around.

...I'm getting off track here.

Almost overnight, the girl next door became a woman or, at least, developed into a strapping young teen. My feelings quickly became muddled by her pheromones and I began experiencing feelings of lust. I didn't act on these feelings at first. She went to a different magnet school and we rarely crossed paths when we weren't at home. I think it was shortly after she transferred to my school that we started dating. The relationship progressed slow even though we had known each other for a long time. There were some nice make-out sessions and some groping but we never "went all the way." We did get busted in my car on a dark street one time but we weren't really doing anything and the cop lets us go without calling any parents.

Eventually I did take her virginity. It was planned ahead of time. Both our rooms faced the street. One late night I climbed out of my window, scurried across the street, and tapped on hers. She told me to meet her at the back door where she led me by my hand through the dark house. This didn't stop me from bumping into things and making noise that I thought surely would rouse her sleeping mother. We made it to her room undetected. She had the place all decked out. There were a couple candles lit and there were blankets spread out across the floor. She didn't want to make love in the bed because the springs were noisy. I still remember what she was wearing...A pink floor length night gown with nothing underneath. We made love quietly in the candlelight stopping occasionally to listen for her mother and trying not to giggle when we bumped into things in her room. I wasn't a virgin but it was special for me. I hope and believe that it was for her too.

We continued to date and I never had any inclination to break up with her. She has the distinction of being the only girl I've ever dated who broke up with me. I've always before and since been the heart breaker. It came at me from left field. I wasn't ready for it. I can't even remember what was said. I could feel my heart breaking but I think I was in shock because all I could do was agree with what she was saying. Something about remaining friends...bla bla bla. I was crushed but showed no emotion. We remained friends (once again where she is the only one who it ever worked with) and I would still sit in her yard and talk to her on occasion, but not nearly as often or long. I eventually moved on and dated other girls. Then I graduated and joined the Army.

I wrote to her while I was in basic training. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I fell completely in love with her while I was there. She did write me back. The letters came in flowery envelopes and smelled fantastic. I saved them all and still have them to this day. I'll have to dig those letters out and remind myself what we wrote about one day. I do remember her telling me that the only reason she broke up with me was to see if I would beg her to take me back. It was a test I failed in her eyes. Still, we wrote back and forth letters while I was in basic and I was ready to give my heart to her near the end of my training. I think that's when she moved to go to college.

We only talked a few times while I was stationed in KY. I found out that she married a guy she met when she went to college. She had a little boy with that guy and seemed happy. I never really heard from her again until about eight years ago. My first house was about a block away from my mothers home. L and I had lived there for couple years or so. One day I received a call. I suppose it was lucky that I happened to answer the phone because it was the girl next door on the other end. She found my name in the phone book. It must have taken some guts to call me after such a long time. The conversation was pretty short and I could tell she was uncomfortable after I told her I was married. We exchanged emails. It was back when everyone on the planet was on AOL. We became pen pals for a time. I found out she was divorced or she was never actually married. Turns out the guy she exchanged vows and had a child with was already a married man or something to that effect. We set up a meeting at one of our old high school hang outs for lunch. I had no ill intentions. L knew about the meeting and was comfortable with it or at least pretended to be.

When I met the girl next door at the hang out she was exactly how I remembered her. I was truly hoping that she had become fat and grown warts all over or something but she hadn't changed at all except she was more beautiful as a woman than as a teen. I was extremely disappointed, however, because she brought her goofy friend from high school who I could never stand. I was looking for closure but was unable to get to any real in depth conversation because her goofy friend sitting there silent and judging. So it was all superficial "hows the weather" type bullshit. The one notable question was about her child. She hadn't mentioned his name in any of the emails and when I asked how her boy was doing by name, you could tell it hit her like a physical blow. After lunch, we went our separate ways and I haven't seen her since. We continued to email each other for a while but it all ended when I told her about a facet of my life that she just couldn't get past...

but that's another post I may or may not ever get to on this blog.

Get out of my head!

I haven't seen you in over six years.

I know we wouldn't have made it as a couple in the long haul.

Too many personality conflicts.

Still, I find my mind meandering every once in a while.

I google you about once per year.

You have invaded my sleep several times lately.

Each time I woke up I couldn't remember what happened in my dream.

But even after being awake for some time, I still had a pleasant feeling thinking about you.

Sometimes I miss you.



Now

Please Please Please....I beg of you...

Leave my cranium and never return!

Sometimes I miss myself.

I got to thinking the other day (surprisingly enough, no smoke came out of my ears or anything) I'm not the person I used to be. It's hard to explain. It has mostly to do with being in a long term committed relationship with someone. Whenever you combine lives with another person whether it be a roommate or a loved one, there is always some part of you that you give up or sacrifice to be with that individual. It could be something as simple as going to the bathroom with the door open or as complex as attempting to change a personality flaw because you love them and want to make them happy. Who would've thought Newton's third law of motion applies to marriage too?

Although I don't feel much different than I did twelve years ago when I met L, I most certainly have changed. Every once in a while I wonder who I would be if I was on my own. Would I be the person I once was or would I be someone I haven't met yet? I would have to guess that it would be the latter because you can't spend that much of your life with someone and expect them not to have impacted you dramatically. Sometimes I wish I could take a brake from my current life and try to go it on my own for a while because I think I miss who I used to be. I believe that I was a more social person at some point whereas I'm more of a homebody now. I'm thinking I need some serious Glenn time. I want to go on a short journey (maybe a few days or even a week) on my own and see who shows up. It would have to be a complete loner thing. No one I really know. No friends. No relatives. Just me. Who would show up? Will it be the Glenn we currently know and love or...someone else? It's a fascinating prospect.

Milestone.

As of three o'clock today another year has ticked off my marital clock. Today was the day I married L. Ten years ago. It was a beautiful spring day and everything was perfect. (OK the cake was missing a layer but no one noticed but myself and L.) It was the best wedding I've ever attended and I'm not just saying that because it was mine.

At any rate, we've reached the ten year mark and I still love her. We're both working today so there was no celebration. I sent ten roses to her work this afternoon and yesterday we had a fabulous dinner at an Italian restaurant. It's funny. We've been together nearly a third of my entire life and it simply doesn't seem that long to me until I think about it. We're now in the double digits. It doesn't seem like an accomplishment until I realize that there is a word that describes it.

Decade.

Frigging awesome!

Happiness is...

...Losing 3 hours of sleep by having a great conversation with your wife of almost ten years and making her laugh so hard that she passes gas in your presence.

She would kill me if she knew I wrote this but some stuff is too good to keep to yourself.

Good times.

Fasten your seatbelts. This is a semi-long one.

No I haven't fallen off the edge of the blogosphere.

A little story that happened while I was away.

How it started.

L has a good friend form back in high school (we'll call her friend BigO). She and L go way back and her ten year old daughter calls us aunt and uncle. Up until about a month ago we assumed BigO was happily married to her husband of sixteen years. L gets a call from her friend late last week where she frantically explains to my wife that her marriage of sixteen years has crumbled and she has moved out into a local (BigO lives in another state) friends house. While the whole thing is a shock to us, it's not completely unexpected. They had a rocky section a while back that, we thought, had been worked though. I had always speculated that he (her husband) was a little controlling of BigO and had mentioned it to L in the past. What is a shock to L is that BigO moved out and she and her husband have agreed to a divorce since before Christmas. The two (L and BigO) have an interesting relationship. They rarely talk to one another more than two or three times per year but always seem to pick up where they left off and talk as if they had just seen each other yesterday. L was still a little hurt that her long time friend had waited almost two months to let us in on what's going on, but forgave BigO for this because of the turmoil she was going through with the separation. L expressed concern for her friends financial situation because BigO was basically a house wife until about three years ago when she finally went to work for a travel agency. L asked me later if we could send BigO some money. I agreed and the check was in the mail. This first conversation rattled L and she was in a daze about the whole thing. It was also much shorter than their normal three or four hour conversations so L also felt like she wasn't getting the whole story. What she did retrieve from the conversation was that BigO had an affair with another man on one of the travel agency sponsored cruises. BigO also said that she might be heading down here to Atlanta in the beginning of February. Only later did it dawn on us that the beginning of February was a couple days away.

More from BigO.

Just as L is starting to go nuts about BigO and what's going on she gets another call from her friend. Once again the conversation is shorter than usual but BigO says she's flying down to see us. She doesn't have all the details ironed out yet but she will be here on Thursday and leaving on Saturday. We go into panic mode because the house is thrashed and we need to get everything in order to have a house guest. In the course of the conversation, L learns that the man BigO had an affair with (we'll call him Frisco) is eleven years her senior and not what you would call "traditionally" attractive (which tells me he's old, bald, fat, and probably smells funny). BigO is enamored with the dude and emails him several times per day. This turns out to be their primary source of communication because, you guessed it, Frisco is married and lives on the opposite end of the country. Alarms start going off in my head when L tells me this new information. Nevertheless, L gets excited about seeing her old friend and starts planning fun activities for a newly separated woman to do while she is in town with an old friend. L manages to get Thursday and Friday off after having a small war with her boss about it. It's going to be a girls weekend. Everything gets all lined up for L's friend to come to town.

Are we missing something?

Wednesday rolls around and BigO has yet to get back with L about the flight information so we can arrange to pick her up from the airport. L calls BigO, who is on her way home from work, and tells my wife that she doesn't remember the flight number but it's supposed to arrive at 12:30 PM. BigO goes on to say that she will email the information to L when she gets back to her house. Wednesday rolls on over to Thursday and L gets no email. L tries to call BigO on Thursday morning but gets voicemail. She leaves a message for BigO to call during her lay over. The twelve o'clock hour approaches and we hear nothing from BigO. I tell L, after checking the delays at the lay over airport, that BigO probably didn't have time to call between one flight an the next. She agrees that this is probably the issue and heads out to the airport to pick up her friend. I wanted to go but I had to work.

Yep. We're missing something.

So L arrives at the airport and drives around the loop four times to avoid paying for parking while she waits for her friend to show up. After an hour of fighting airport traffic and still no word from BigO, she decides to drive up the interstate to get some coffee and wait for a phone call. Buzzed from caffeine and dealing with traffic, L's phone finally rings. Vibrating through the speaker is BigO saying that the is delayed for weather at the lay over airport. She won't be getting on a plane until after five in the evening. L asks BigO what time that flight will be arriving so she can pick her up later. BigO says that she doesn't need to be picked up because she's staying with Frisco here in town. WTF?!?!?! Although I wasn't there for the conversation, I can almost see L's expression when BigO tells her this. Evidently we assumed that BigO was staying with us when, in fact, she was coming to town to see her new lover. L managed to keep her composure, and didn't even tell BigO that she had already been to the airport to pick her friend up. So BigO takes this opportunity to tell L that story of how she met Frisco and how they were both dissatisfied with their marriages and, despite her best efforts to avoid Frisco on the cruise, they kept bumping into one and other. L is pissed at the whole situation because she always thought of BigO as the good girl who would never cheat on her husband, let alone with someone who was already married. So BigO goes on to explain how it "just happened" and now Frisco is going to be a part of her life. And, by the way, he's the first man to ever "take care" of her in bed, she tells L. This is a woman in her mid thirties who has been married for sixteen years and never had a man give her "the big O." After all the shock and awe, L ends the conversation with a request for BigO to call when she arrives in town and they plan to get together for dinner on Friday so L can meet Frisco.

Something stinks.

Later that evening L and I are talking on the phone about the whole situation. She feels icky about the whole thing and the thought of meeting Frisco for dinner makes her sick. L is mad that a trip she thought was going to be a chance to see her friend and catch up on whats going on has turned into a fiasco of miscommunication and confusion. I tell her that BigO has gone off the deep end and speculate that a woman in her thirties who's never been to pleasured by a partner could probably diagnosed as clinically insane. L agrees. So since Frisco seems to be taking care of BigO, we cut her some slack. We do decide, however, that this dude can't be right for her and she is on a bigger rebound than any other woman in history. A future Frisco intervention is in order. About this time L gets a call coming through on call waiting. It's the area code of BigO so she ends with me and picks up the other call. On the other line is BigO's ten year old daughter asking if her mommy has arrived at our house yet. L has a conversation with the girl and tells her that mommy will be here soon and, when she gets here, aunt L will give her a big hug from you. That was at about 8:30 PM Thursday. We never did hear from BigO that night.

Are we worried yet?

I checked the flights inbound from BigO's lay over airport and found that the one I speculated she was on could have been laid over in yet another city. If that was the case, she wouldn't have arrived until very late. L and I decided, before we went to bed, that BigO probably was scared to call us if she arrived at the late hour. We went to bed thinking all was well. The next day I go to work and L decided to pick up a new outfit to go to dinner in. At this point, it bothered me that BigO hadn't called more than it bothered L. I called a few times during the day to ask L if she'd heard anything yet. Still I wasn't' too concerned because BigO probably has a big night with Frisco. We were starting to get pissed at this woman though. Evidently we were BigO's alibi for the trip to meet her lover and she had failed to let us in on her plan. Now we had her daughter ( no doubt spurred on by her jealous daddy) calling us to see if she arrived.

Hell yea we're worried.

Friday continued to wear on with no word from L's high school friend. Dinner time had come and gone and still nothing BigO. At this point, we had no idea if she had even made it into town. We started to speculate why she hadn't called. Our best guess was that her phone died and she didn't remember to pack a charger. No one remembers anyones number anymore and the thought of her having to call her husband to get the number of people she's supposed to be staying with was probably out fo the question. I was officially in over drive and my imagination started to take over. I wondered if she was stuck in another town sleeping on an airport bench. BigO may a little bit of a misnomer, she' s actually a tiny woman about five feet tall and maybe a hundred pounds with a wet sweater on. The thought of creepy Mr. Frisco picking her up from the airport in a strange city started to sound very frightening. We called the hotel where she said she would be staying in her last conversation with L. No luck, but all we had was her name an Frisco's first name. We called the airline to find out if she made her connecting flight. The first person I talked to said they won't give out that information. The second person I talked to said she canceled her reservations before she even left her initial departure point. Now we had visions of her being kidnapped before she ever got on the first plane. We googled her name to see if she showed up in a news story or something. We called the hospitals. We were officially out of our minds and convinced that something bad had happened. I kept arguing to call BigO's husband or her mom to see if either had heard from her. L refused to involve either one citing that we would kill her mother with worry or destroy her life by blowing her story to her husband when a custody battle might be looming. I asked L at what point do you risk turning her in when she could be in mortal physical danger. Finally she had me convinced that her mother or husband were both bad ideas until we knew something. We were in a quagmire. We kept saying that she better be in a coma or in a ditch somewhere because putting us through this crap was complete bullshit. We finally hit on the idea to call the people she had moved in with. We didn't have their number but we were able to get it from information. We sat in the living room trying to decide if ten PM was too late to call these people we didn't know. Declaring "Fuck it, I'm calling." L dialed the phone. After she hung up, all we had managed to do was worry another couple about the whereabouts of our friend. They were very nice people and agreed that if one or the other of us heard anything, we would call each other. No sooner did she hang up the phone than it started ringing again. She looked at the number and recognised it as that of BigO's husband. She let it go to voicemail. checking the message, L heard the ten year old girls voice coming through the speaker pleading for aunt L to have BigO call home to say goodnight. At 10:30 PM! That set us both off into a frenzy of inaction. We had no idea what to do. We were at a complete loss. In desperation to know anything we tried the airline one more time. L managed to find out that BigO did, in fact, make it to her destination. Somehow this made us feel better. Like knowing something, anything, about her helped ease our concern. We decided to hunker down for the night and hope that we heard something by Saturday evening. Hopefully she would turn up at home.

We're glad you're OK...Bitch!

After a long Saturday of worrying and calling airlines, BigO turned up safe and sound back home that night. She called L at 6:00 PM. My sweet wife, who spent the day falling behind at work worried sick about her friend, promptly tore into her old friend screaming at her over the phone. To which BigO's reply was "I'm sorry. I'm a flawed person." WTF does that mean? Is that an excuse?

The results of not making a simple phone call.

L hasn't talked to her old High school friend since that day. She figures that the ball is in BigO's court. This could be the beginning of the end of a long friendship. The people that took BigO in during her separation with no deadline to move out and who haven't collected a dime for rent or food have decided that she must go. The check we sent the woman is being returned by her current roommates. They also called her mother at some point on Saturday and did what we avoided. they worried the poor woman needlessly. BigO's husband now knows the reason for her trip to "see us" and I'm sure this won't make her divorce any easier. Her ten year old daughter is being turned against her by her husband. Basically, BigO has alienated every single ally she has during the time she needs her friends most. It seems to me that L needs to swallow her pride or pain or whatever and help her friend but she's so mad that she absolutely refuses to make the effort. In spite of the whole fiasco, I still worry about BigO. It seems that all this rejection will force her further toward Frisco. I personally think this is the wrong person to be her only friend during this delicate time in her life.

Somehow I need to convince L that her friendship is worth saving but I don't know how.

All of this for an orgasm!

What is it about me and toast?

I don't know if it's tensions from the lack of nicotine or something darker and more sinister. On the morning in question, I woke up (after the third snooze hit) and L is asking me if we should fly or drive to PA for her cousin's wedding. To say I'm not a morning person is a gross understatement. Just arousing from slumber is not the time to badger me with questions that I will be held accountable for later. Up until that moment, we had planned to drive there at a leisurely pace and visit some sites along the way. I tell her that it's cool no matter what we do. Then she goes off on me for not being more active in our trip planning and I must not really want to drive or I would argue otherwise. And if I don't care about what we do, why even bother going? Now, we all have moments with loved ones where we absolutely want to shove our fists in each others faces. Lets just say that I had a one balled up under the blanket ready to go. Not wanting to escalate the fight any further and needing to swap the radiator in her car before I go to work, I get up and start the coffee. While I'm fumbling around in the kitchen, she (still in bed) starts rambling on about how I don't care about anything and how lazy I am and I don't do anything around the house. I silently go about my business avoiding saying anything in return. I know I'm lazy, but bringing that into the fold on a day where I'm repairing her car before I go work for ten hours doesn't sit all that well on my pallet. To top things off, I did five loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and worked on the bus for eight hours the previous day. But I'm a reasonably intelligent person and I know this fight has nothing to do with my laziness. There is some other issue that is at the core of this tirade. Eventually she quiets down and I assume she may have dozed back off. I make some PB&J on toast and stand in the kitchen eating it. From the bedroom she yells, "Where's my toast! You're not even going to offer me some?" I start to recognize this as one of those times where I can do no right. I've resigned myself to the thought that, no matter what I do or say, at this point, it will only make things worse. I grit my teeth and wait for the next volley of incoherent woman babble that's going to fly out of her lips. "Don't you love me anymore?" She asks, "Don't you care enough to offer me toast?" I feebly try to mutter something about how I thought she fell back to sleep and didn't want to wake her. "Just forget it," she snapped at me and rolled back over in bed. So I did as she asked and went into the garage to replace the radiator.

So what's the moral of this story you ask? There really isn't much of a lesson here. I just wanted to show that it's not all fun and games in the geek household. We have a good marriage but nothing is all good all of the time. The only thing that I regretted was that we didn't work it out before I left the house. I was stewing about it all day at work. She apologized later and blamed it on PMS. I suppose I was also reminded that toast seems to be the catalyst for events in my life and I should avoid it.

Plaingeek relationship/dating wisdom.

I'm a realist. Or at least I like to think I am. The following are just my personal observations. It's my opinion and I welcome you to tell me what a total dumbass I am or even elaborate on my rambling.

Everyone wants their perfect mate. It's OK to be picky. Just don't go overboard. No one is perfect. You can get close, but perfection is unattainable. I suppose it depends on you definition of picky. How far is too far? Who truly knows? One of the biggest problems with peoples' perception of commitment is that it's easy if you find the right person. The true nature of living with someone is that it's never easy all the time (see my clone theory post). Just think about growing up with your family. These are the people that you love more than any others until you find that special one. Yet we've all had fights, sometimes huge fights, with the people we love most. It doesn't mean that the love is gone. Keep in mind that even the best couples butt heads and have conflicts. It's absolutely unavoidable. Especially with two intelligent individuals.

Many women want the man who is successful, intelligent, committed, open and loving. It seems like a reasonable request. But since time is a constant, there must be compromise. Few can manage to be all these things all the time. It's conceivable that you can find the "perfect" partner but you must keep in mind that no one, and I mean no one, is perfect in every given situation. It's important to try to see things from your partners perspective in a given situation. Our outside world can have major influences on how we act at any given time. Just think about that for a second.

A tough question you need to ask yourself while you look for the perfect mate is...Am I perfect? The answer is no you aren't. We are all flawed in some fashion or another. This isn't the end of the world. It's reality. Since none of us are perfect, we need to find a partner who either can overlook or make up for our weaknesses. At the same time, since you realize that you aren't perfect, you need to understand that you partner isn't either. Therefore, you'll have to pick up the slack where they fall short. It's like washing the dishes. It just has to be done.

Many women say they want to marry a "nice" guy. I believe that this is one of the biggest problems they face when looking for a mate. There are nice guys out there. The problem is that women aren't, at least not at first, physically attracted to the nice guys. And lets face it, there must be physical chemistry. Being nice and being attractive are generally diametrically opposed. Why? It has to do with life experience. Think about it. Why is the nice guy nice? It's because he had to be a good friend in order to get close to women. Don't believe me? Try coming on to one of your nice male (the guy who is like a brother to you) friends ladies. I guarantee he will reciprocate. Why is the attractive guy not nice? The attractive guy doesn't have to be nice because he has had women falling for him his whole life. This is not to say that an attractive guy can't be nice. It's possible, but he will be less likely to display it because he hasn't had to do so in the past.

Women often say they want a guy who is sensitive but still a "man." The flaw to this logic, besides the obvious, is it has nothing to do with gender. This has to do with intelligence. A smart person will also be a confident person. And because they're smart, they'll know the right times to assert their will. Basically, it's good to have a spine and better to know when to use it. Honestly ladies, despite what we say and the conventional wisdom/stereotypes, we really want you to have a spine too. Just remember to pick your battles. Some things are worth fighting for and some are not. Like I said, know when to use it.

Remember you are a couple and individuals as well. Don't smother each other and don't neglect each other. This is a tough balance to maintain but if you pay attention to your mate, you'll figure it out. This is driven mostly by conscience. If you have one you'll be ok. If not, I'm sorry, but you're screwed.

Communication is the key. You must tell the other how you feel. Express love and also express concerns as they arise. Those little things that annoy you can turn into a giant cancer on the relationship if you ignore them. They build and fester until the top overflows. This is truly dangerous to relationships because one side may be completely unaware there is a problem until it explodes in their face. My marriage almost ended early on because I kept bottling an issue up. When it blew up, we worked on it and now I'm a few months away from a ten year anniversary. I often think of what a catastrophic mistake that could have been. Don't let it happen to you. Communicate.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is no "happily ever after." Which is the illusion that is placed on marriage. We've been taught since birth that "the one" is out there and I believe that it's true. But "the one," realistically, can only be good for, at most, "95% happily ever after" which should be more than enough. If you can't come to grips with that, you'll never reach the 95% mark.

L.

I owe everything to you.
You started me down the road to becoming a pilot.
No one understands me like you do.
We compliment each other better than any couple I've ever witnessed.
Friends use us as a relationship measuring stick.
Temperature is something we never fight about.
No matter how stupid I get about things, you seem to understand.
You hold me up when I need it.
I'm lazy and you're OK with it.
You're fantastic at nookie.
You still laugh at my retarded jokes.
You always thank me for doing the littlest things.
We like the same foods.
You're not anal about anything. (OK maybe a little about turning the lights off)
We never fight about money even though I spend more of it than you.
Power tools are as cool to you as they are to me.
You go to work every day and bust your ass even though you hate it.
You're more real than anyone else I've ever met.

Linked question.

Question of the week and comments here.

The make up sex isn't worth it.

L. and I had a huge fight Tuesday.

The moral of the story.
Never NEVER NEVER call your wife "stupid" no matter how much of a bone-head move she made.

Sorry babe. You're right, I'm wrong and I've never been happier.

Pick up line? Or just stupid rambling?

It has been a debate for centuries. Relationships have been tested to the very breaking point over the conflict because there are only two types of people in the world. You are either a cat person or a dog person. Sure one can argue they have no preference but, given a pet requirement by law or spouse (sometimes one and the same), say you had to choose. Which one? Can you tell a cat person from a dog person just by meeting them? Is it the answer to societies dating woes? Can you form a solid relationship based on the cat/dog issue alone? I propose that it can be a good starting point, and maybe a decent bar pick up line. Just walk up to your partner of choice and blurt out the cat/dog argument and you have a safe (maybe a little goofy) ice breaker that could spark a truly deep and meaningful conversation. I wish I would have thought of this when I was still single. If it actually works, I could have saved myself tons of wasted dates trying to break though the masks all dating people put on. We all do it when we're dating. We put up that front in an attempt to hide either our flaws or our true nature to impress a suitor. It's always best to let your mate know, from the beginning, what lies down the road. I've found that it's the little things that drive people mad in relationships. Maybe the cat/dog debate can save you some effort (LOL...Like anyone is actually reading this nonsense). If you attempt this line, let me know if it worked or if I'm a babbling idiot.

My take on the two types.

Cat people - sometimes quiet, reserved, proud, intelligent, independent, neat

Dog people - loving, loyal, boisterous, social, playful, protective

I love my cats.

What is it with women?

After getting my butt handed to me in the first round of poker I found myself talking to my favorite bartender Lisa. Before you get the wrong idea, she's my favorite because she's good at her job (really good). She just finished telling me that she hasn't been laid in three months. I can't see any reason why she has to ever go without getting some if she wants it. She is an attractive woman and I'm sure she gets hit on at least forty times a night as a bartender. When I asked her why she hasn't hooked up recently her reply was she needs to "really know" who she's sleeping with. My question back was "Why?"

Aren't women just as capable of using men as vice versa? Do we ever "really know" someone unless we've been with them for several years? I know you women out there pretend that you don't like sex as much as we do, but some of us men actually know better. Some of us know when you meet one that rocks your world in the sack you become little sex fiends. You justify 150 reasons to stay with the wrong person even though the relationship portion died months ago. I've known too many couples that had nothing in common but good sex. You know the types I'm talking about. They always have the most volatile relationships. They are the couples that are smacking the shit out of each other one minute and dry humping on your couch the next. You see them and ask yourself "Why the hell are these two idiots hanging out with each other?" Then you notice they just came out of the same bathroom together.

For crying out loud ladies! Once you get beyond a certain age, ohhhh say 23 or so, the bullshit games need to end and you need to start looking out for number 1. If you can use a guy for a booty call, and you're not interfering with another relationship, go for it! I bet not one guy who reads this will disagree to being used as a sex toy once or twice. The key is to let him know, before the deed, your exact intentions. Who knows, maybe a relationship will grow from the sexual starting point. Lets get real ladies. YOU are animals too. Every relationship has to be sexually compatible. Trying to force yourself to like someone, sexually (just because they're super nice), never works.

The Clone Theory

My wife L and I are blessed with an ability to get along that few possess. We have been told by many friends and strangers alike that we get along too well for people that have been together for ten years. Most of our sickening of other couples is based on a solid foundation. We enjoy the same music, movies, hobbies, and political views. Sometimes I find it to be the little things that drive other couples crazy. This is one of the places that L and I have been lucky. Things like being the same temperature. When she is cold, I'm cold. Also, we seem to have the same taste in food at the same time. Just yesterday, L and I were sitting at a restaurant looking at the menus and we both locked in on the same menu item. We ended up splitting the same dish. Now this seems like a basic thing to some, but there have been several times I have heard other couples fighting over where to eat because one or the other doesn't like a particular type of food. If you like seafood and your mate doesn't, things can get touchy for a really simple reason. Don't get me wrong people, it hasn't been all fun and games in the geek household. We have fought and had some real doozies over the years but I attribute that to my clone theory.

It is my belief that a lot of relationships fail because people don' t take the time to understand each other. One day, I was sitting reflecting on how well L and I get along and came up with an epiphany that eventually I just started calling the clone theory. I was thinking of the person that I would most get along with in the world if I didn't have L. The answer...Me! I have everything in common with me. No one understands me better than me! I'm an easy person to get along with. I would never have fights with myself. Then my brain switched to practicality mode. If I cloned myself, my other self would be a new person from that day on. The other me would have to get a job and do all the other things people do. Then it occurred to me that there would be instances where I wouldn't get along with myself. For example, I imagined myself going to work and having a terrific day. I come home, make myself a little snack, and sit on the couch and read or turn on the evil black box until the other me comes home and I can tell him what a wonderful day I had. I imagined the other me having a miserable day, one of those days where Murphy seems to be at your every turn. My clone enters the house just wanting some peace and quiet but I want to hang out and tell him what a great day I had. Just the fact that I'm in a good mood pisses off my clone even more. He is already at his wits end and loses his cool with me. Now you know how it is when you're having a good time and someone spoils the fun. It can piss you off tremendously.

The point I'm trying to make with my theory is, no matter how well you get along with someone, there will always be friction at times. There is no happily ever after. There is just happily 95% of the time after if you're lucky like me. The key is to not let the five percent overshadow the 95.