Plaingeek relationship/dating wisdom.
I'm a realist. Or at least I like to think I am. The following are just my personal observations. It's my opinion and I welcome you to tell me what a total dumbass I am or even elaborate on my rambling.
Everyone wants their perfect mate. It's OK to be picky. Just don't go overboard. No one is perfect. You can get close, but perfection is unattainable. I suppose it depends on you definition of picky. How far is too far? Who truly knows? One of the biggest problems with peoples' perception of commitment is that it's easy if you find the right person. The true nature of living with someone is that it's never easy all the time (see my clone theory post). Just think about growing up with your family. These are the people that you love more than any others until you find that special one. Yet we've all had fights, sometimes huge fights, with the people we love most. It doesn't mean that the love is gone. Keep in mind that even the best couples butt heads and have conflicts. It's absolutely unavoidable. Especially with two intelligent individuals.
Many women want the man who is successful, intelligent, committed, open and loving. It seems like a reasonable request. But since time is a constant, there must be compromise. Few can manage to be all these things all the time. It's conceivable that you can find the "perfect" partner but you must keep in mind that no one, and I mean no one, is perfect in every given situation. It's important to try to see things from your partners perspective in a given situation. Our outside world can have major influences on how we act at any given time. Just think about that for a second.
A tough question you need to ask yourself while you look for the perfect mate is...Am I perfect? The answer is no you aren't. We are all flawed in some fashion or another. This isn't the end of the world. It's reality. Since none of us are perfect, we need to find a partner who either can overlook or make up for our weaknesses. At the same time, since you realize that you aren't perfect, you need to understand that you partner isn't either. Therefore, you'll have to pick up the slack where they fall short. It's like washing the dishes. It just has to be done.
Many women say they want to marry a "nice" guy. I believe that this is one of the biggest problems they face when looking for a mate. There are nice guys out there. The problem is that women aren't, at least not at first, physically attracted to the nice guys. And lets face it, there must be physical chemistry. Being nice and being attractive are generally diametrically opposed. Why? It has to do with life experience. Think about it. Why is the nice guy nice? It's because he had to be a good friend in order to get close to women. Don't believe me? Try coming on to one of your nice male (the guy who is like a brother to you) friends ladies. I guarantee he will reciprocate. Why is the attractive guy not nice? The attractive guy doesn't have to be nice because he has had women falling for him his whole life. This is not to say that an attractive guy can't be nice. It's possible, but he will be less likely to display it because he hasn't had to do so in the past.
Women often say they want a guy who is sensitive but still a "man." The flaw to this logic, besides the obvious, is it has nothing to do with gender. This has to do with intelligence. A smart person will also be a confident person. And because they're smart, they'll know the right times to assert their will. Basically, it's good to have a spine and better to know when to use it. Honestly ladies, despite what we say and the conventional wisdom/stereotypes, we really want you to have a spine too. Just remember to pick your battles. Some things are worth fighting for and some are not. Like I said, know when to use it.
Remember you are a couple and individuals as well. Don't smother each other and don't neglect each other. This is a tough balance to maintain but if you pay attention to your mate, you'll figure it out. This is driven mostly by conscience. If you have one you'll be ok. If not, I'm sorry, but you're screwed.
Communication is the key. You must tell the other how you feel. Express love and also express concerns as they arise. Those little things that annoy you can turn into a giant cancer on the relationship if you ignore them. They build and fester until the top overflows. This is truly dangerous to relationships because one side may be completely unaware there is a problem until it explodes in their face. My marriage almost ended early on because I kept bottling an issue up. When it blew up, we worked on it and now I'm a few months away from a ten year anniversary. I often think of what a catastrophic mistake that could have been. Don't let it happen to you. Communicate.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is no "happily ever after." Which is the illusion that is placed on marriage. We've been taught since birth that "the one" is out there and I believe that it's true. But "the one," realistically, can only be good for, at most, "95% happily ever after" which should be more than enough. If you can't come to grips with that, you'll never reach the 95% mark.
Everyone wants their perfect mate. It's OK to be picky. Just don't go overboard. No one is perfect. You can get close, but perfection is unattainable. I suppose it depends on you definition of picky. How far is too far? Who truly knows? One of the biggest problems with peoples' perception of commitment is that it's easy if you find the right person. The true nature of living with someone is that it's never easy all the time (see my clone theory post). Just think about growing up with your family. These are the people that you love more than any others until you find that special one. Yet we've all had fights, sometimes huge fights, with the people we love most. It doesn't mean that the love is gone. Keep in mind that even the best couples butt heads and have conflicts. It's absolutely unavoidable. Especially with two intelligent individuals.
Many women want the man who is successful, intelligent, committed, open and loving. It seems like a reasonable request. But since time is a constant, there must be compromise. Few can manage to be all these things all the time. It's conceivable that you can find the "perfect" partner but you must keep in mind that no one, and I mean no one, is perfect in every given situation. It's important to try to see things from your partners perspective in a given situation. Our outside world can have major influences on how we act at any given time. Just think about that for a second.
A tough question you need to ask yourself while you look for the perfect mate is...Am I perfect? The answer is no you aren't. We are all flawed in some fashion or another. This isn't the end of the world. It's reality. Since none of us are perfect, we need to find a partner who either can overlook or make up for our weaknesses. At the same time, since you realize that you aren't perfect, you need to understand that you partner isn't either. Therefore, you'll have to pick up the slack where they fall short. It's like washing the dishes. It just has to be done.
Many women say they want to marry a "nice" guy. I believe that this is one of the biggest problems they face when looking for a mate. There are nice guys out there. The problem is that women aren't, at least not at first, physically attracted to the nice guys. And lets face it, there must be physical chemistry. Being nice and being attractive are generally diametrically opposed. Why? It has to do with life experience. Think about it. Why is the nice guy nice? It's because he had to be a good friend in order to get close to women. Don't believe me? Try coming on to one of your nice male (the guy who is like a brother to you) friends ladies. I guarantee he will reciprocate. Why is the attractive guy not nice? The attractive guy doesn't have to be nice because he has had women falling for him his whole life. This is not to say that an attractive guy can't be nice. It's possible, but he will be less likely to display it because he hasn't had to do so in the past.
Women often say they want a guy who is sensitive but still a "man." The flaw to this logic, besides the obvious, is it has nothing to do with gender. This has to do with intelligence. A smart person will also be a confident person. And because they're smart, they'll know the right times to assert their will. Basically, it's good to have a spine and better to know when to use it. Honestly ladies, despite what we say and the conventional wisdom/stereotypes, we really want you to have a spine too. Just remember to pick your battles. Some things are worth fighting for and some are not. Like I said, know when to use it.
Remember you are a couple and individuals as well. Don't smother each other and don't neglect each other. This is a tough balance to maintain but if you pay attention to your mate, you'll figure it out. This is driven mostly by conscience. If you have one you'll be ok. If not, I'm sorry, but you're screwed.
Communication is the key. You must tell the other how you feel. Express love and also express concerns as they arise. Those little things that annoy you can turn into a giant cancer on the relationship if you ignore them. They build and fester until the top overflows. This is truly dangerous to relationships because one side may be completely unaware there is a problem until it explodes in their face. My marriage almost ended early on because I kept bottling an issue up. When it blew up, we worked on it and now I'm a few months away from a ten year anniversary. I often think of what a catastrophic mistake that could have been. Don't let it happen to you. Communicate.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is no "happily ever after." Which is the illusion that is placed on marriage. We've been taught since birth that "the one" is out there and I believe that it's true. But "the one," realistically, can only be good for, at most, "95% happily ever after" which should be more than enough. If you can't come to grips with that, you'll never reach the 95% mark.
Labels: relationships
posted by Glenn at 12:31 AM
4 Comments:
We DO want nice guys, or atleast I do. But we DO NOT want a push over or a needy, puppy dog on a leash type of guy.
What i've learned is that a woman, especially a married woman, will always be the one who is responsible for the majority of the household chores, child care, & banking, even if she works outside of the home......and that's something I don't want for my daughter.......
excellent points. specifically the communication part. if that's not working, nothing else will be. grats on the 10 years!
I think I need to copy that somewhere (with you being credited, of course) and refer to it over and over when I'm struggling in a relationship. Well put, my friend. Well put.
Copy it all you want Paige. The credit isn't important to me. At least not until you make a million bucks off of it. Then I'll be recruiting the scum of the earth (aka lawyers) to chase you down.
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