What do Mosquitoes and cops have in common?
They both like to single me out for no apparent reason.
Whether it's a police officer or a mosquito I will be the one they single out in a crowd. Could it be that I give off some enticing smell that attracts blood sucking parasites?
I have a minor allergy to Mosquitoes. When Mosquitoes bite me, they leave welts that get to be about the size of a quarter. One of my basic garage supplies is a couple cans of "Off" insect repellent. I try to remember to put it on all the time, but sometimes I forget or it wears off from sweat. When that happens, I come in from outside looking like a peperoni pizza. It's pretty freaky really. Honestly, I could be standing in a crowd of a million people and the only mosquito around for a hundred miles will ignore everyone else and find me. I kid you not. But this post really isn't about mosquitoes. It's about cops.
Tonight I was on my way to work, sipping my fresh Starbucks Venti Mocha and listening to tunes from my newly installed CD player in my 40 year old VW. (Yes the interior is done people.) I was at the front of a pack of cars as they were all passing me on the rural four lane Georgia highway. This is nothing new. My bus likes to cruise at 55mph and I get passed a lot. All that is in my head at this particular moment is how nice it would be to have a Twix bar to go with my mocha flavored coffee. As I'm internally planning my stop at the local quickie-mart next to my place of employment, I see a familiar sight in my mirror. It's the (all too familiar) headlight pattern of a Ford Crown Victoria. I only see the pattern for a second before it gets so close that the glare dips below my rear window. I subconsciously shake my head as I come to the realization that a cop is shoving his cruiser up the ass of my newly restored bus. For a brief second I consider slamming on the brakes but my engine and fuel tank are in the rear and mental pictures of burning alive are not pleasant. I drive for a short distance and hit my blinker as my turn for work approaches. No sooner did my signal blink than his blue lights came on. "Asshole!" comes out of my mouth as I pull over. No Twix for me now. After I come to a stop, I kill the engine and switch my head lights off leaving the parking lights on. I wait patiently about two blocks from work as he does whatever they do before they decide that they're actually going to get out of the car.
When He finally arrives at my door I get the same retarded question that I always get. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Why the hell do they always ask this damn question? Do they really expect an honest answer?
"Nope," I answer.
He says, "One of your headlights is out."
I know for a fact that both my headlights work perfect so I come back with, "Really? Which one?" and flick my headlights back on. He looks at the front of my bus and the corners of his mouth turn down ever so slightly as he sees that both lights are, in fact, working fine. "Are you sure you don't have a short up there somewhere?" he asks.
I reply with, "No, they work perfect. The right one could be adjusted a little better but they work great and I've never had a problem with them."
"Can I see your license please?"
"Sure thing, but I need to set my coffee down so I can dig it out." I tell him. I always do stuff like this when I'm dealing with police because I don't want to get shot for putting my coffee on the floor while I dig out my license. Leaning over or digging low will always make a cop jumpy. After setting the java down, I unbuckle my belt and dig out my wallet. He takes my ID back to his car and, as he does so, I wonder if he's going to give me a ticket. While he's back there masturbating or doing whatever it is they do, I pull out my phone and call the work to tell the guy waiting on me to show up that I could be late because of the blue light special behind me. Finally, officer friendly comes back with a warning slip and I get to go on my way to work.
So what have I gained from all this?
First, "The Man" will always harass me. I've been pulled over in just about every single car I've ever owned since high school and I've rarely been doing anything wrong. When I was in the wrong, I always knew the answer to the retarded "Do you know why I pulled you over?" question. Ninety percent of the time it was just to harass me. Those of you that have been reading this blog for a while will remember I almost went to jail the last time I got pulled over. I fear that I will eventually get arrested because I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to go off on the next dickhead that decides to fuck with me.
Second, I need to install a cup holder in my bus.
Whether it's a police officer or a mosquito I will be the one they single out in a crowd. Could it be that I give off some enticing smell that attracts blood sucking parasites?
I have a minor allergy to Mosquitoes. When Mosquitoes bite me, they leave welts that get to be about the size of a quarter. One of my basic garage supplies is a couple cans of "Off" insect repellent. I try to remember to put it on all the time, but sometimes I forget or it wears off from sweat. When that happens, I come in from outside looking like a peperoni pizza. It's pretty freaky really. Honestly, I could be standing in a crowd of a million people and the only mosquito around for a hundred miles will ignore everyone else and find me. I kid you not. But this post really isn't about mosquitoes. It's about cops.
Tonight I was on my way to work, sipping my fresh Starbucks Venti Mocha and listening to tunes from my newly installed CD player in my 40 year old VW. (Yes the interior is done people.) I was at the front of a pack of cars as they were all passing me on the rural four lane Georgia highway. This is nothing new. My bus likes to cruise at 55mph and I get passed a lot. All that is in my head at this particular moment is how nice it would be to have a Twix bar to go with my mocha flavored coffee. As I'm internally planning my stop at the local quickie-mart next to my place of employment, I see a familiar sight in my mirror. It's the (all too familiar) headlight pattern of a Ford Crown Victoria. I only see the pattern for a second before it gets so close that the glare dips below my rear window. I subconsciously shake my head as I come to the realization that a cop is shoving his cruiser up the ass of my newly restored bus. For a brief second I consider slamming on the brakes but my engine and fuel tank are in the rear and mental pictures of burning alive are not pleasant. I drive for a short distance and hit my blinker as my turn for work approaches. No sooner did my signal blink than his blue lights came on. "Asshole!" comes out of my mouth as I pull over. No Twix for me now. After I come to a stop, I kill the engine and switch my head lights off leaving the parking lights on. I wait patiently about two blocks from work as he does whatever they do before they decide that they're actually going to get out of the car.
When He finally arrives at my door I get the same retarded question that I always get. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Why the hell do they always ask this damn question? Do they really expect an honest answer?
"Nope," I answer.
He says, "One of your headlights is out."
I know for a fact that both my headlights work perfect so I come back with, "Really? Which one?" and flick my headlights back on. He looks at the front of my bus and the corners of his mouth turn down ever so slightly as he sees that both lights are, in fact, working fine. "Are you sure you don't have a short up there somewhere?" he asks.
I reply with, "No, they work perfect. The right one could be adjusted a little better but they work great and I've never had a problem with them."
"Can I see your license please?"
"Sure thing, but I need to set my coffee down so I can dig it out." I tell him. I always do stuff like this when I'm dealing with police because I don't want to get shot for putting my coffee on the floor while I dig out my license. Leaning over or digging low will always make a cop jumpy. After setting the java down, I unbuckle my belt and dig out my wallet. He takes my ID back to his car and, as he does so, I wonder if he's going to give me a ticket. While he's back there masturbating or doing whatever it is they do, I pull out my phone and call the work to tell the guy waiting on me to show up that I could be late because of the blue light special behind me. Finally, officer friendly comes back with a warning slip and I get to go on my way to work.
So what have I gained from all this?
First, "The Man" will always harass me. I've been pulled over in just about every single car I've ever owned since high school and I've rarely been doing anything wrong. When I was in the wrong, I always knew the answer to the retarded "Do you know why I pulled you over?" question. Ninety percent of the time it was just to harass me. Those of you that have been reading this blog for a while will remember I almost went to jail the last time I got pulled over. I fear that I will eventually get arrested because I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to go off on the next dickhead that decides to fuck with me.
Second, I need to install a cup holder in my bus.
posted by Glenn at 12:09 AM
3 Comments:
cops suck...........unless you really need them!
From experience, I can categorically say that the two wrong things to say to a "peace" officer when pulled over are:
1: What do you want???
2: Can you get that light out of my eyes?
I didn't get a ticket, but that's the maddest I ever saw a cop in my life...
Hmmm, how could he "know" one of your headlights was out if he was behind you?
He probably thought you were a "hippie freak" in a VW bus. He expected pot smoke to waft out.
I've been pulled over twice in my life (yeah, I know you don't want to hear that). Once because one of my headlights was out, and I'm pretty sure they were using it as an excuse to see if they could catch themselves a drunk driver (it being 2:30 a.m.). They couldn't. They just told me to get it fixed and let me go. I was actually relieved because I hadn't known the darn thing was out.
Second time - total speed trap. This particular road goes from City 1 to City 2 to City 3 in a quarter of a mile. Everybody speeds through City 1 (because you can). City 3 has the speed limit on that road as 40. City 2 has it at 30, and remember only a quarter of a mile is in that city. Jerks. My one and only ticket and I got a snide cop, too. "So, Kathleen, how many tickets do you?" I felt like saying, "First off, it's Ms. Lastname to you, and you know exactly how many I have since you just looked me up on your handy computer." Instead I stutter, "Nnnnoooonnnneee." I still avoid driving in that city if I can help it.
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