The little voice in my head.

Him:
Hello Glenn. I'm the little voice in your head. You know me. I'm the one who tells you that you're about to do something stupid or berates you for not fixing the toilet and makes you feel guilty for being lazy in general.

Me:
Um, why do you only speak up when I can't do the things you make me feel guilty about?

Him:
Well, it's pretty simple really. You have to be really quiet to hear me.

Me:
How quiet? I don't seem to be having any trouble hearing you now.

Him:
Well you can't hear me over the TV, when you're talking to other people, or distracted in general.

Me:
So basically I can only hear you when I'm perfectly still?

Him:
Yep.

Me:
Do you have any idea how much of a pain in the ass you are?

Him:
What do you mean? I help you get things done. I keep you out of trouble.

Me:
Yea that might work if I could hear your bullshit when I really needed it. Not when I'm at work or laying in bed at three AM. Do me a favor will ya? Either speak up when I need you or shut the fuck up all together.