Gump-alyzed
I wish I could say that I was one of those "glass half full" kind of people. But I'm not. I haven't figured out exactly where I stand yet (which is funny considering my thoughts as I write this). I'm either a pessimist or a realist. I really want to be a realist and I'm hoping that is what I am.
I'm 35 this year and it's floated into my head that my life is, most likely, half over. I often tell L that I'll be lucky to make it past 60. I never met either of my grandfathers they were both gone before I hatched. My dad has had 1.75 heart attacks. My mom died of cancer. When grandma died, she had no clue who her middle daughter was. I drink coffee like it's water, smoke a pack a day, and eat bunches spicy fattening food. I'm the poster child for a heart attack that's waiting to happen. Given the above mentioned medical facts about my family, keeling over from "the big one" is my preferred method of departure.
But this post isn't about my family medical history. It's about what is going to happen next and why. When I look at my life as half over, I see two things from where I stand. It's like standing mid way on a suspension bridge. First, looking backwards from where I came from, I see a life of floating around, Forrest Gump style, and going where the wind takes me. Second, Looking forward, I've decided to take a more active roll in steering my own path. Sadly the things I want to accomplish at this moment all seem superficial and strangely pointless when you think of it from a "what did he do with his life" perspective which is semi paralyzing and puts me right back on the Forrest Gump path. I guess I'm at one of those quintessential "What are you going to do with your life?" moments. I would like to believe that I can change the world for the better but, like I said, I'm a realist.
I think I'm going to focus on personal satisfaction for now. This includes three goals as of this moment (yea here I go with the goals again). First, I want to finish building my other car by September 1st. Second, I want to get in shape again. I miss not being afraid to take off my shirt and I've developed a severe redneck tan as a result. This terrifies me because I associate that this the country bumpkins that I can't stand here in GA and is unacceptable. Third, I need to improve my work situation. I don't want to just flounder here at this crappy dead end job for the rest of my life. If I must work to live, it just has to be more fulfilling than my current job or at least make me busy enough to not look at the clock every ten minutes.
Even if I just start taking a more proactive roll in where my life is headed and what I'm doing I think I'll be a more content individual. No more floating on the breeze like a feather because I only have 35 more years or so to get it all done...if I'm lucky.
I'm 35 this year and it's floated into my head that my life is, most likely, half over. I often tell L that I'll be lucky to make it past 60. I never met either of my grandfathers they were both gone before I hatched. My dad has had 1.75 heart attacks. My mom died of cancer. When grandma died, she had no clue who her middle daughter was. I drink coffee like it's water, smoke a pack a day, and eat bunches spicy fattening food. I'm the poster child for a heart attack that's waiting to happen. Given the above mentioned medical facts about my family, keeling over from "the big one" is my preferred method of departure.
But this post isn't about my family medical history. It's about what is going to happen next and why. When I look at my life as half over, I see two things from where I stand. It's like standing mid way on a suspension bridge. First, looking backwards from where I came from, I see a life of floating around, Forrest Gump style, and going where the wind takes me. Second, Looking forward, I've decided to take a more active roll in steering my own path. Sadly the things I want to accomplish at this moment all seem superficial and strangely pointless when you think of it from a "what did he do with his life" perspective which is semi paralyzing and puts me right back on the Forrest Gump path. I guess I'm at one of those quintessential "What are you going to do with your life?" moments. I would like to believe that I can change the world for the better but, like I said, I'm a realist.
I think I'm going to focus on personal satisfaction for now. This includes three goals as of this moment (yea here I go with the goals again). First, I want to finish building my other car by September 1st. Second, I want to get in shape again. I miss not being afraid to take off my shirt and I've developed a severe redneck tan as a result. This terrifies me because I associate that this the country bumpkins that I can't stand here in GA and is unacceptable. Third, I need to improve my work situation. I don't want to just flounder here at this crappy dead end job for the rest of my life. If I must work to live, it just has to be more fulfilling than my current job or at least make me busy enough to not look at the clock every ten minutes.
Even if I just start taking a more proactive roll in where my life is headed and what I'm doing I think I'll be a more content individual. No more floating on the breeze like a feather because I only have 35 more years or so to get it all done...if I'm lucky.
posted by Glenn at 8:13 AM
6 Comments:
This is one of my favorite posts that you've written.
It's honest and insightful. Plus I can relate to it.
I think being happy is the best way to live a life. It's great that you're setting goals to make you happy.
I think most of us deny that we'll EVER die, let alone in 35 years. Maybe that's why you seem hellbent on being "bad" with your food, smoking, etc. You may be willing yourself to give up on your health and goals because you're just waiting for your family history to affect you. Just a thought.
I relate to what you're saying and I agree with Jane that this is a great post because you're so insightful.
You'll probably still be blogging at 85, scoffing at your young 35-year-old self! :)
I'm still working out the 1.75 heart attacks in my head. Without knowing you I can identify with several things you mentioned, especially being middle aged. I turn 38 in less than a month and realize that if kept under glass, I will look back and consider this middle age. If left to my own devices, well, let's just say it's not pretty. Numerous reasons. You talk about what sort of 'ist' you are - unfortunately I'm an idealist with sporadic outbursts of hatred for the human race. Not really an official category, is it? You've determined goals. That's a huge portion of the battle. Sounds like your on your way to putting that mental effort into motion. I'll check back to see how you're doing. And I'll try not to laugh at the redneck tan. ;)
Y'know, I just hit 36 recently. I'm kinda fortunate that I still look like a baby. At some point that honeymoon will be over and I'll have to acknowledge the crows feet, the droopy eyelids and cleavage and (gods forbid!) the menopause (you escape that one buddy!!). So I can relate to a lot of this. And I also relate to the big green oily bus on an earlier post (a term of affection for old style campers in my part of the world. Want one!).
We are / can all be GeekGumps. In fact I think you just inspired a term that describes me to a tee! Everyone's path is their own and we can all look back and wish we'd gone a different way. But for now I'll leave you with a quote from artist Yoshimoto Nara:
"Kinda sucks never having money but, kinda cool to choose a dream!"
Wish u could see the accompanying picture (includes lots of cig smoke)to get the full impact. I'm currently tottering at the top of the no money, all dream path. I'm trying to take the first step.
Good luck, fellow GeekGump!
Great post. I'm also 35 and have been thinking lately about what I should/want to/will do next...it's a pivotal age. You reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, from Howard Thurman: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and do that -because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
Jane: Thank you.
kel: Thanks for the thought.
livewire: "with sporadic outbursts of hatred for the human race." I know exactly where you're comming from. And laughing at my redneck tan will only cause it to get worse.
ginger doll: Still look like a baby huh? Must be nice. I look like I'm 45. Gonna see if I can google that pic.
the dating guru: going to have to memorize that quote so I can deliver it to L.
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