Nine years and I still don't know.
This is something that has been weighing on my mind. When my wife and I first married I told her that I, under no circumstances wanted to have kids. This was not entirely true. I said this because my wife, as much as I love her, tends to get overly ambitious. She is very much a "have to have it now" type of person. Once she gets her mind set on something, she won't quit until she gets it. Early in our marriage, I told her that I didn't want children because I wanted to be sure that the marriage would work before we took on the responsibility. Because I am a realist, I know how most marriages end these days and it has nothing to do with "until death do us part." So for a couple years I fought her arguments in favor of having kids with ammunition like...we aren't the parental types, a child is the single biggest investment in your life, we're too selfish to have kids, it's not fair to bring a kid into the world when it's like this, after they get to a certain age they realize that you have no power over them, ect ect ect.
Now we are about to cross into our ninth year of marriage and it's getting to my self imposed deadline wherein, if I don't have a child soon, I never will. I guess, over the years, my initial stubbornness has sunk in to my overall psyche. By being the nay-sayer for all these years, I've changed her mind about kids, as well as my own. We've pretty much come to the conclusion that we don't want any. Yet here I am, 33 years old and wondering, as I always guess I have, if I'm missing something. I've paid close attention to those friends whom I've grown up with who have kids. I've talked to experienced parents about the whole procreation issue. The more I talk to these people, the more I feel like I'm not really meant to be a father. When I talk to people about their kids I hear the same answer all the time "I wasn't sure I wanted them, but now that I have a child, I wouldn't change it for the world." This seems to be the textbook answer. It seems that when I ask the tough questions of parents, they all seem to shy away from giving the truly tough answers. Another thing that bothers me is how some people always talk about how great kids are. They talk about what a fine experience it is. They talk about how great kids can be. They tell me how I would be a great father. But they never offer this information unless I ask them specifically why they had children.
I don't fully trust these peoples answers. Most of the answers I hear are just textbook type answers. They're just recycling the same politically correct answers I've heard since the day I was born. My reasoning for not trusting these answers is that I rarely hear these wonderful exclamation under normal circumstances. The people I know rarely ever offer up these child wonderments unless you specifically ask them why they chose to have kids in the first place. Usually when you hear ninety percent of the parents talking about their kids in everyday situations, you hear all the negative things about them. You hear about the rebellious teen or the baby who keeps them up all night or the sicknesses they bring home from school or the punishment they had to administer which puts more stress on the parents than the child or about how much money the child is costing them. About the only times I hear people talking up their kids is when they are trying to compare theirs with another kid.
I guess what my whole problem boils down to is fear. I'm scared of having my own child. It's not that I don' think I can handle it. I feel that I would be a great father. What scares me are the intangibles. Those outside influences that you, as a parent, have no control over. Drugs and peer pressure scare me more than anything. I feel this way because of my own experiences. I grew up in a family which included myself and three brothers. There were four of us growing up in your typical family unit. We were all good kids but, somewhere along the way, the younger two of the four of us took a turn for the worst. One managed to come back from the dark side and seems to be turning out to be a decent human being. The other is pretty much a lost cause. When I look at my cousins, I see the same trend or worse. One of my aunts has three kids and only one of them (ironically the black sheep of the bunch when growing up) has turned out to be worth a damn. The crazy thing is that we were all good kids when we were younger. Somewhere along the line, 50% of my siblings took a wrong turn. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. I have my theories, but none can be proven. I suppose, based on my personal observations, that my fear is I only have a 50% shot that I will turn out a good kid. I don't think that a coin flip is something that I can live with. I watched my mother agonize over my little brother as he strayed down the wrong path which none of us could bring him back from. She was incapable of administering tough love. She loved the boy too much for his own good. I can see myself in her shoes doing the exact same thing. As parents we can be trapped by love. We care so much for the little human that we brought to the earth that we will do anything to protect them. If a child ever realizes this, it can spell doom for the parent. I watched, as my mom was dyeing, how my bother still managed to take advantage of her. She continued to let him do it even though she knew what he was doing. I just don't know if I can commit to a minimum of eighteen years of raising a child only to (potentially) watch them ruin their own lives and possibly mine as well. Is it worth it?
Half the time I get feedback from other people it seems that I'm supposed to have kids just because it's what society expects of me. The other half of the time I think that I might be missing a big part of what life is all about. But why should I miss something that I don't have or necessarily want? My sister-in-law summed it up best when she told us during one of our kid discussions "You just have come to that point in your life where you want them more than anything. If you're not there, you probably should refrain."
Now we are about to cross into our ninth year of marriage and it's getting to my self imposed deadline wherein, if I don't have a child soon, I never will. I guess, over the years, my initial stubbornness has sunk in to my overall psyche. By being the nay-sayer for all these years, I've changed her mind about kids, as well as my own. We've pretty much come to the conclusion that we don't want any. Yet here I am, 33 years old and wondering, as I always guess I have, if I'm missing something. I've paid close attention to those friends whom I've grown up with who have kids. I've talked to experienced parents about the whole procreation issue. The more I talk to these people, the more I feel like I'm not really meant to be a father. When I talk to people about their kids I hear the same answer all the time "I wasn't sure I wanted them, but now that I have a child, I wouldn't change it for the world." This seems to be the textbook answer. It seems that when I ask the tough questions of parents, they all seem to shy away from giving the truly tough answers. Another thing that bothers me is how some people always talk about how great kids are. They talk about what a fine experience it is. They talk about how great kids can be. They tell me how I would be a great father. But they never offer this information unless I ask them specifically why they had children.
I don't fully trust these peoples answers. Most of the answers I hear are just textbook type answers. They're just recycling the same politically correct answers I've heard since the day I was born. My reasoning for not trusting these answers is that I rarely hear these wonderful exclamation under normal circumstances. The people I know rarely ever offer up these child wonderments unless you specifically ask them why they chose to have kids in the first place. Usually when you hear ninety percent of the parents talking about their kids in everyday situations, you hear all the negative things about them. You hear about the rebellious teen or the baby who keeps them up all night or the sicknesses they bring home from school or the punishment they had to administer which puts more stress on the parents than the child or about how much money the child is costing them. About the only times I hear people talking up their kids is when they are trying to compare theirs with another kid.
I guess what my whole problem boils down to is fear. I'm scared of having my own child. It's not that I don' think I can handle it. I feel that I would be a great father. What scares me are the intangibles. Those outside influences that you, as a parent, have no control over. Drugs and peer pressure scare me more than anything. I feel this way because of my own experiences. I grew up in a family which included myself and three brothers. There were four of us growing up in your typical family unit. We were all good kids but, somewhere along the way, the younger two of the four of us took a turn for the worst. One managed to come back from the dark side and seems to be turning out to be a decent human being. The other is pretty much a lost cause. When I look at my cousins, I see the same trend or worse. One of my aunts has three kids and only one of them (ironically the black sheep of the bunch when growing up) has turned out to be worth a damn. The crazy thing is that we were all good kids when we were younger. Somewhere along the line, 50% of my siblings took a wrong turn. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. I have my theories, but none can be proven. I suppose, based on my personal observations, that my fear is I only have a 50% shot that I will turn out a good kid. I don't think that a coin flip is something that I can live with. I watched my mother agonize over my little brother as he strayed down the wrong path which none of us could bring him back from. She was incapable of administering tough love. She loved the boy too much for his own good. I can see myself in her shoes doing the exact same thing. As parents we can be trapped by love. We care so much for the little human that we brought to the earth that we will do anything to protect them. If a child ever realizes this, it can spell doom for the parent. I watched, as my mom was dyeing, how my bother still managed to take advantage of her. She continued to let him do it even though she knew what he was doing. I just don't know if I can commit to a minimum of eighteen years of raising a child only to (potentially) watch them ruin their own lives and possibly mine as well. Is it worth it?
Half the time I get feedback from other people it seems that I'm supposed to have kids just because it's what society expects of me. The other half of the time I think that I might be missing a big part of what life is all about. But why should I miss something that I don't have or necessarily want? My sister-in-law summed it up best when she told us during one of our kid discussions "You just have come to that point in your life where you want them more than anything. If you're not there, you probably should refrain."
posted by Glenn at 1:46 AM
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